Mkay, alright, so... bet you couldn't guess that I like to write. I'm not great or anything, not even good in fact, but I have also read my fair share of literature.
I understand you like what you've written a lot and want other people to appreciate it. This is the summary of me tearing it to shreds. Depending on how open you are to criticism, you might want to read only this and then skip straight to "how to fix". I'm not going to lie to you.
It's not good. It raises questions but doesn't have answers. Needs a few re-writes.
End of summary.
Read this slowly and try to understand what I'm saying and where I'm coming from before forming conclusions.
The story is unfocused and forgettable. I started reading it expecting to learn something about Ela and her world but in the end got nothing. You say she's special. Why should I believe it? She sleepwalks and flies. Very special. This world has wars. One of them is Great. She ends it. Alright. Was this war threatening anyone? There are Guardians of the Realm. They don't do anything and just die. Supposedly she has the hots for some Dork- I mean Dorik, sorry, I have a slight stutter, I don't know what happens to him.
All of the sudden we switch to present tense and despite the girl being immortal, unbelievably strong and smart (and beautiful), she thinks that the "collision of the World of Fantasy and the World of Sci-Fi" is something super important and presumably dangerous.
At first it sounds like this is some epic story, a legend, a fable... then you switch to present tense. Oh.
Nothing is explained. There are at least 5 major-sounding locations but we don't know where they are in relation to each other and if anyone even cares.
There's magic. Ela has magic. Ela's special. Are other people who posses magic special? Doesn't appear so, there are mages mentioned, but how could I know? Maybe everyone possesses magic. All of the sudden the magic is bad. But wait, it isn't.
Flying is important. Why can't other people who control magic fly? That seems like the first thing anyone would want to do. I certainly would.
There are people and they have names. One of the names is attached to another (father-son). That's it. Oh, some died in a war.
There's a siege on the capital. Is there only one capital? Is there only one king, one kingdom? I dunno. Who is attacking who?
There are enemy realms? Somehow Ela single-handedly captures all three of their leaders without even hurting them? That brings everyone peace??? Oh, gee, I guess there was a communication problem, clearly they just needed to talk for a bit.
Nothing matters. Ela is special. That's it. It doesn't matter why or how. Her only struggle is that at one point she was so powerful, people feared her.
The world doesn't change. A Great War ends, but it clearly wasn't important enough to inconvenience the character's pristine education, so it doesn't matter. War, no war, she's still special. She doesn't grow as a character, she doesn't learn anything. She literally doesn't change, she's immortal.
How to fix this.
~Decide what you want to tell. You've tried to build a world, the history of said world, the main character's... character and set up a conflinct. It's too much.
~Pick a tone. Is this an epic tale, some shmuck's biography or the backstory for something huge?
~Find what is important. If you start out with an overpowered character, she can't reasonably grow in that respect, so she needs to expand in a different direction, most often a moral one.
~Do not flood the story with names. We don't know who these people are. What happened to her mom? Why did you use such great detail to say Ela's a bastard but then not mention it again? How the hell did her lover die? Why should I care HIS DAD died because he was old??
~Do not immediately save the world when we don't know anything about it and the one saving it. Work on a smaller scale and then build up.
~DO NOT describe the character as "special". DO NOT. Special is not something you can work towards. Special is something you are born as and as soon as you put an unacquirable trait in your main character, you are alienating a part of your audience. This is not hair colour or eye colour, or gender. It's being "special". Special is not something that can be redeemed by other characteristics in terms of being relatable. And specifically for Ela, look up "Mary Sue"
~Get a message across. You didn't - do it.
This is your first story in English, so I guess you've written other ones in your native language before? Have you gotten any feedback before? Harsh criticism is very important, more so than coddling someone. Your story has many faults. You can fix them.
I'll keep watching your thread (+art blog) and I want to see improvement. Mkay?
Also, the image is too small, it's a bit hard to read. ;p
