Hi again @LensPitt
Well you have an excellent chance to make a great piece here.
Since your piece is still in the early decision making phases we should explore it in that dimension. In order to do so we should limit our tools to be simple, large, and sweeping.
We need an axe right now and not a scalpel.
One trick you should use is pull way back to see your frame at 5% size or 12.5% size. And You should periodically be flipping back and forth horizontally as well. You see the entire piece at once and you also catch new places to work. This trick limits the amount of detail we make and get distracted by.
The hair should reflect the direction they are going instead of falling down like she is sitting or standing.
You need to really nail down the 3 dimensional armature of the bodies to help you and the viewer's understanding of the figures in space. Spend some time on the hands. You can only hide the fact that you cant draw them for so long before you have to draw them a lot. Either get Proko's tutorial on hands, or use Marc's cheater female hand brushes like this picture does below. Both are on the marketplace.
People look at face and hands then back to face and hands more than you think. Even if its cubes try to make them work for basic perspective. Not fun or sexy but a must.
I can continue with a rendering lesson if you like but overall I think you need to focus on not doing so much marking and detail. Zoom out and make corrections blurring your eyes.
If you are going to draw, draw linearly in perspective. If you are going to paint, paint shapes and sculpt their edges soft or sharp. It looks like your brush is on solid round with no transfer or opacity setting.
This is a real challenge. Looking forward to the end. Best of luck.